Reader's Corner

What's Keeping You Up at Night?

5 Top stressors : A worry-by-worry guide to taking control

Your Work
The Worries : You're about to be passed over for a promotion. This project will fail. You might be laid off.

The Antidote : "Worry is usually based not on fact but on negative assumptions", says business performance consultant Paul Stoltz, author of Adversity Quotient: Turning Obstacles Into Opportunities. What you need is a reality check. Approach your boss or a sympathetic colleague, and ask how he or she sees the situation. A co-worker might tell you, "Things around here are not completely secure, but they're not as bad as you imagine."

Then set a strategy. Even if your plan fails, you'll stew less after you make it. Think through worst-case scenarios, too - for example, what you'd do if you were fired. You'll see you have options other than the street. This second line of defense stops you from needlessly forecasting disaster.

Your Health
The Worries : You won't make it through next week's procedure. The pain in your back will never go away. Your husband's test result will show he has cancer.

The Antidote : If you seldom tire of analyzing a health problem, take a new approach, say psychologists at the Fox Chase Cancer Centre in Philadelphia. They use a scale to measure whether people are "monitors" (the term for those who over think their health) or "blunters" (those who avoid the topic entirely).

If you're a monitor, turn your vigilance toward finding the best possible care, then repeatedly remind yourself you're in good hands. Tell yourself "This is likely to be treatable, and it helps that I'm attentive to my health."

Your Conflicts
The Worries : A colleague does no work but claims all the credit. Your intolerable mother-in-law announces she's coming for a month. You need to confront an unfriendly neighbour about his dog's constant barking.

The Antidote : Since these issues are social, the solutions must be found through exchanges with others. Talk with anyone who shares the problem or has successfully dealt with the difficult person in question. If the dog is bothering you it's probably bothering other people. And getting out of yourself immediately increases your sense of control and reduces your feeling of vulnerability.

If you decide to act, role-play the conversation, and tell yourself the dispute will be resolved; this will soothe you and keep you from taking a belligerent stance.

Your Children
The Worries : Your six-year-old will never adjust to school. Your 18-year-old is out late and will get in a wreck. Your 29-year-old daughter is marrying the wrong guy.

The Antidote : Sometimes anxious parents can take steps - talks to teachers, establish curfews. But sometimes your child's well-being is not directly under your control. Fortunately, your frame of mind is.

When a crisis arises, say psychologists, decide whether to act, postpone action, or dismiss the concern as unwarranted. Then live with your decision.

Suppose your daughter is due home at midnight. Decide, 'I' m not going to take action at 12:00, but at 12:15, I'll call the boyfriend or go out to look. At 12:10 I'll revisit whether that's a good plan. Between now and then, I get to dismiss the worry.' Also, try to be realistic in what you expect from your child - and yourself. Again, use positive language: "My daughter may make mistakes, but for the most part she's doing well. " Avoid thoughts like. "I have to be a perfect mother/father."

Your Finances
The Worries : You'll never be able to pay your credit card bills. You'll run out of money during retirement. You won't be able to pay your taxes on March 31st.

The Antidote : Eventually you'll want to sit down with a certified accountant. But according to Suze Orman, author of The Nine Steps to Financial Freedom, you first need to ask yourself why you haven't already taken logical, grown-up steps - paying off your debts, maximizing your investments in bonds that offer tax rebates, and setting up paycheck savings deductions - toward securing your financial future.

It sounds like pop psychology, says Orman, but childhood experiences of loss or shame often block adults from handling their finances. "You're throwing an adult tantrum when you buy things you can't afford," says Orman. "Realize where those behaviours come from, and you can break the chain."

Once you're ready, start with subtle trimming. "Unrealistic budget cuts, like unrealistic diets, never work," she says. So have dinner out once every week, instead of every other day. Rent a video, instead of going out for a movie. Stop and think for a moment as you walk into a clothing store: Do you really want the outfit? How many of us have a suit or a sari that we just had to have but wore only once? Remember: More money, invested sooner, is nearly always more valuable to you than anything you buy.