Reader's Corner

Sometimes, I feel an aura or a funny feeling that warns me that a fit is following. But at times it comes unannounced and catches me unawares. If I have suffered a major seizure, the effects are felt even after recovering. I cannot even get up because the body convulses a lot. At times, I have cut my tongue also.

Once I was standing on a stool cleaning the fan when I had an attack. It came on me suddenly, without any warning, and that threw me off the stool. That was one time I was quite badly hurt, as I had injuries from the fall as well as the soreness of a major convulsion.

In 1982, after my graduation, I joined the Fedder's Lloyd Company in Delhi and for the first time in my life I lived alone, away from home. I stayed at the Y.W.C.A. in Saket. New Delhi, and would go to Kalkaji (were my workplace was situated) by bus every day. One of my hostel colleagues was travelling with me when she witnessed a minor attack. She said that I was walking towards the bus to stop up when the attack occurred and I reversed my steps back.

On another occasion, one winter afternoon, I had gone out with a friend for a walk in a forested area in Kalkaji when suddenly the sky turned dark. We looked up and saw to our horror a huge swarm of honeybees descending on us. We tried to gain shelter in the huts nearby but nobody would open the door for us. We then started running hither and thither, not having the faintest idea of where to take shelter. In the frenzy, I had a seizure and lost consciousness. After coming to my senses I found myself admitted in a hospital with bee stings all over my body. My companion, I discovered, had suffered a worse fate from the bees' attack. He had died.

I then changed my job and joined the Research and Developing wing of Escorts; I loved this job and enjoyed working with machines. I was still staying in a YWCA hostel and would drive to work and back on a moped, even though I knew that my mother would worry herself sick about my safety and the possibility of my having an attack while driving through the crowded roads of Faridabad. However, despite their fears, not once did my parents communicate their anxiety to me. In fact, they encouraged me to lead as normal a life as I could. I firmly believe that to date, it is only because of their positive attitude that I never developed any complex about my being an epileptic.

MATCHMAKING

One day, my parents answered a matrimonial advertisement in the newspaper on my behalf and received a positive response.

Now though I had three marriage proposals even while I was in college, I was not keen on marrying someone my age. I wanted an older, mature person, and Rajinder Kumar Gupta seemed a perfect match as he was six years older, and also working in the same field- he was a mechanical engineer with the Khandelwal Steel Alloys.

Rajinder's family was settled in Jodhpur and they came to Delhi to see me. They took us totally by surprise by deciding on the match there and then, and we had an informal engagement ceremony on the spot. But when my parents returned to Patiala, they realised that no mention had been made of my ailment to either the Rajinder or his parents. They then asked me to tell him about it when he met me at the hostel in Delhi as arranged.

I told Rajinder about my epilepsy and waited for a reaction. His only response was: "I will ask my sister". His sister was a gynaecologist at that time and is now a cancer specialist in the United States. My mother, fearing he may not have completely understood my condition, insisted that I put it in writing in a letter.

So then I wrote a letter to Rajinder telling him again about my epilepsy. He replied saying that he had consulted his sister who had said it was okay, that epilepsy was a minor problem, and I was under treatment anyway.

Once I told my parents about the contents of this letter they were satisfied that now he and his family knew about my problem and that they could go ahead with the wedding plans with an easy mind.

I got engaged in November 1983 and was married in February 1984. A couple of weeks before the wedding, a friend of mine told me to try and get the epilepsy treated permanently as my wedding date was nearing. He took me a homeopathic doctor who told me to stop all allopathic medicines and promised to cure the condition with his medication alone.

But once I stopped the allopathic medicines my attacks intensified and became so bad that I decided to take a half-day's leave and visit the doctor to find out what was happening. I had to go all the way to Paharganj by bus. As I got off the bus I had a major attack and don't remember anything at all, apart from the fact that when I recovered my sense, I found myself lying on a divan in a strange house, with a picture of Guru Nanak hanging on the wall opposite and a kindly lady asking me what had happened. I gave her my friend's phone numbers who in turn informed my mother about my whereabouts.

Later on I discovered that the homeopath I had gone in search of had absconded and was nowhere to be found. The lesson I learnt from all this was never to go off my allopathic medication again.

A MARRIAGE TURNS SOUR

My wedding took place on the 18th of February 1984 and neither my husband nor my in-laws made any reference to my epileptic fits. Soon after the event I resumed my job at Escorts in Faridabad and my husband left for Nagpur where he was working. In May resigned from my job and went to join him here.

Looking back, I feel that in the beginning my ailment did not affect my husband adversely. Like, for instance, I had a couple of seizures in Nagpur and he was quite normal about it. However, strangely, he never ever referred to the seizures or spoke to me about them. Only later did his true colours emerge, when he began nagging me and taunting me about my ailment. I was amazed to see the change in his behaviour.

Actually, I suspect it all started with a mistake on my part. Once, when we had gone to the airport, I met an industrialist I knew and introduced him to my husband. Later I confided to my husband that there had been some initial talk of my marriage to the industrialist, but it had never materialised after they (his family) were told that I had epilepsy. Though my husband did not react outwardly to my revelations, I could see a subtle change in his attitude towards me after that.

Anyway, life continued on an even keel for some more time. Shinni, my daughter, was born in March 1985. I had small seizures during the pregnancy, but the doctors did not foresee any major complications. Thankfully, the labour and delivery went off smoothly any attacks. I was told not to breast feed Shinni for more than three months due to the medication I was on.

We then moved to Chandigarh, and here I sat for the Punjab State Electricity Board entrance examination in 1986, and came through with good marks. However, the joy was marred by the fact that I started getting attacks nearly every alternate day, right through the training period of my new job.

I don't know why - perhaps it was the cumulative tension.

I stuck on, and since 1988 I have been assistant design engineer with the Hydel Design Organisation in Chandigarh. I had my second child, a son, in 1988, and this again was a normal pregnancy and a caesarean delivery.

The problems in my marriage started after Varun's birth. I don't really know what the reasons were and whether my condition played a part in my husband's actions. Maybe in his subconscious mind it weighed on him that I had a disease. Yet, it was no burden on him. In fact, it was I who supported the family and ran the household with my pay. Rajinder never contributed. And, in any case, he rarely could stay on in any job for an extended period of time. To make matters worse, our differences in nature was also showing up; for instance, he was very aggressive, while I hated a disharmonious atmosphere around the house.

Maybe that was the turning point in our relationship when I seriously began thinking that our marriage was not working out. Today, Rajinder and I have separated, and may go in for a divorce later on. I am living with my mother and children, and have come to terms with life and all that it has given me.

My children grew up with my seizures and are now quite used to them. They have learnt to take them in their stride. Initially they were curious and wanted to know about the causes of epilepsy. I explained as best as I could. The first time they witnessed a major attack they were frightened but overall they stand by me whenever I need help. Sometimes, when I am too still, or thinking deeply about something, my daughter would come up and shake me, just to confirm that everything is okay

GETTING FUN OUT OF LIFE

Fate has not been kind to me where health and married life are concerned, but I never let these adversities discourage me. Now, I think Lady luck is responding to my efforts positively. My attacks have reduced drastically, possibly because of the reduced tension. I even began contemplating forgoing my drugs altogether when a whole year passed by without suffering a seizure; but after that, the attacks became much more frequent, and I had to go back on medication again.

I have read somewhere that God gives everybody a fruit; some get it sweet while others get the bitter ones. God gave me epilepsy, so I accept it without a grumble. Napoleon and Aristotle were epileptics and if they can achieve so much, why can't I?

So I try to live life to the fullest even though I have epilepsy. I love travelling and adventure sports and grab every opportunity to indulge in these passions; a few years back we went whitewater rafting on the river Ganga at Rishikesh. Apart from travelling I swim every day in the summers, write poems, do gardening- I am a long-standing member of the Chandigarh branch of the National Cactus and Succulent Society. In fact, at times I feel I live my life better than many normal people do. My one abiding ambition now is to go scuba diving in the Lakshwadeep islands. With luck I might just achieve it.

As told to HARKIRAN SODHI (Chandigarh Bureau)